Death of Me
by ZuEra
Summary: 'Don't ever fall in love, Toph, if you know that the outcome will not go your way. You will live and breathe and cry for him, and he will be the death of you.' Post War TophxSokka


**Hey guys (: So I worked obsessively on this story for probably about five hours or more. It's pretty sad, if you ask me, and maybe a little dark considering the state that Toph nearly ends up in. A quick note before I allow you to continue reading, I just want to say that this story focuses mostly on what is going on inside of Toph; although she may seem a little more vulnerable than the Toph we know, consider the aging that takes place in the story, as well as the fact that on the outside, Toph is not showing any of what she feels. That is all now, Troopers, read on! :D**_  
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_Death of Me_

_Don't ever fall in love, Toph, if you know that the outcome will not go your way. You will live and breathe and cry for him, and he will be the death of you._

For reasons that she was unsure of, Toph always remembered that specific talk with her mother. They had been discussing the idea of an arranged marriage when she was just ten years old, and Toph had quickly objected, saying that if she were to ever marry at all she wanted total control. Not for a moment did she believe that - like her mother said - she was being childish by discarding the idea. For years, Toph's parents had lived together happily, by means of an arranged marriage. The discussion on the topic had started out quite formally, but took a more serious turn, in which her mother forewarned her; at least with an arrange marriage, Toph would never have to deal with the pain of a broken heart. At the time, Toph hadn't been worried in the slightest.

Years later, when virtually all of her childhood was buried beyond the limits of her memory - although, really, she'd done her best to block it out - those words of her mother still echoed in her head. A rebellious child, she'd gone and defied her mother's advice, falling into the trap called Love. Now, a young woman of sixteen, Toph felt the sting of consequence. He was her best friend; he was funny and sweet - and really, she hadn't meant to do it. She was going crazy over him. The way that Toph liked to put it - because she had never been one for dramatic terms - Sokka just "got" her. The two of them had a certain synergy that flowed on its own, so effortlessly, in an endless cycle that left her feeling woozy.

There had been times over the course of these past few years when Toph thought that Sokka's feelings might have reciprocated her own - the times that they would find themselves alone, the rare conversation in which one or both of them opened their soul and allowed every last remnant of an emotion pour out to the other, or even the moments when Sokka would return her harsh words with a soft remark just to soothe her bad mood. Time revealed to Toph that she had just been fooling herself. It became painfully clear that she hadn't the slightest chance with him. He was Suki's - he had been Suki's before Toph even met him, and he would be Suki's long after. It almost seemed unfair; she couldn't find anything to complain about. Suki was a nice girl, and she was better for Sokka than Toph would have been. Toph had known this from the very moment that she met Suki. As much as she wanted to hate Suki for gaining Sokka's affections, she couldn't, and soon enough all of that left over hate was channeled back towards herself.

She had once confided in Ty Lee - the one soul who she knew would not judge her for her feelings - and asked for advice. After offering what encouragement she could, Ty Lee dolled up the blind girl and sent her off to "go for it", as she put it. At the time they had been vacating in the Fire Nation (or rather, meeting with Zuko in the name of important plans for the future of the world). Sokka had been flying around from meeting to meeting, accompanying the Firelord, all day, and would be in his room, retiring for the night.

"You look beautiful," Ty Lee had said, nudging Toph along. "No man could resist you."

With a boost of confidence and a spark of hope, Toph had tiptoed down the hallway, long hair cascading down her back, and long dress pulled up so that she wouldn't trip over it. She hadn't been able to see herself, but she really had felt pretty. She'd crept through the long hallways, up a wide staircase, her feet becoming numb with fear as she walked. She'd made it all the way to Sokka's chamber before she froze. There she had been, in a gorgeous silk garment with her hair done just so, and with nothing to say for herself. What a foolish little girl she was; he would never want her. She had stood at his door for what felt like the longest moments of her life, biting her lip in hopeless effort to contain the tears; there had been too many, though, and without her consent they had tumbled over the lids of her eyes, down her face, dropping to the marble floor that chilled her feet. Never in her life had she felt more pathetic and worthless than in the time that she stood at that door. For nearly an hour she had remained - hoping to find the nerve to grab the door handle, but knowing that she would not - before she retreated to her own room. In the deathly silence of the night, she shed the fine garments and let them fall to the floor in a heap, and then mimicked their actions upon her bed.

She sighed bitterly; the way she was dressed tonight reminded her all too much of that lonely memory. The party that they were attending was in honor of the Earth King's birthday, but Toph hadn't found any sign of the monarch all night. Then again, she'd spent a great deal of her time isolated on the balcony outside.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Of course he would come for her. She shifted her weight uncomfortably as the Water Tribe warrior joined her, kicking his feet over the edge of the balcony as she had done when she first came here. Toph was glad that she was blind; she could easily avoid his gaze.

"I'm fine," she replied, turning her head from him. "I just hate parties."

Sokka chuckled. "Well, if I haven't learned that about you over the years I guess that I haven't learned anything. Somehow, though, I don't quite believe that's the whole story. What's going on?"

She wanted to ask him why he did this to her - why he had to act like her hero if he wasn't really going to save her. Toph would never do a thing like that, though.

"Don't you worry about me, Snoozles," she commanded. "I can handle myself."

"Of course you can," Sokka replied, with the smallest drop of sarcasm on his tongue. To this, Toph crossed her arms; she just wanted to go home. Beyond the pain in her heart, the pins that held her hair in its intricate style were pulling and tugging, causing her irritation. She wanted to rip them out, but knew that it would only cause a fuss among the nobles at the party to see her in a state that was not completely put together. Her dress, too, was nothing but trouble - too many layers, too many ties and not nearly enough room to breathe (not a single ounce of herself, in that dress, either). These physical dilemmas were driving her mad, and yet her biggest problem was Sokka.

"I know you don't think so anymore, Toph, but you can always talk to me," the warrior told her, placing his hand on her shoulder and standing up. "I've got to get back in there; Suki will be looking for me. You really should come back in; the people might be stuffy and boring, but they've got a saber-tooth moose-lion roast in there that's to die for."

"Because you couldn't go two minutes without talking about food," the Blind Bandit retorted, drawing a laugh from the warrior. She couldn't help but feel satisfied.

"You know how I am," he shrugged, and disappeared back into the crowd of people, swimming through their feet (which all felt the same to Toph) until she could no longer feel him from the others.

Perhaps it was interactions like these that kept her going. Try as she might, Toph could not let go of him. She liked to close him out; it made her feel stronger than the heartache she experienced. However, the walls that she built he could penetrate with a single word; like a house of cards, they tumbled down in a disorderly mess. Eventually, she gave up on her game and let him in again. Their conversations warmed her heart, even as they pierced it. She learned to subtly cope with the sight of him and Suki together. Soon, it wasn't that difficult.

A year passed, and it was rumored that Sokka would soon ask for Suki's hand. At every party Toph waited in anticipation for the moment in which they would toast to their new engagement. Time went on, though, and there were no toasts. How long would he cast this misery upon her? Couldn't he just get it over with? Suki was a patient woman, though - unlike Toph - and was never bothered by the idea of waiting.

"So, when's the big moment going to be, Snoozles?" Toph asked him one night after dinner. They were alone, with Aang and Katara out stargazing, Suki visiting Kyoshi Island and Iroh still working at his tea shop. For a moment, the Water Tribesman just looked at her blankly, not understanding what she was referring to.

"Your marriage," she clarified articulately, and Sokka's eyes widened. He hadn't the slightest idea that his love life was the subject of observance for Toph or anyone else. "Rumor has it that you're gonna pop the question soon."

"I - I don't know," he hesitated, sparking curiosity from Toph. "It's a difficult thing; I just want to be sure that we're ready. I love her so much; it just has to be perfect, and right, and - and perfect, you know? Have you ever felt that way before?"

Toph folded her hands in a stature that was practically lady-like. She was expected to do the right thing - she expected this of herself. "Yeah, I have. My only advice is to be careful; that kind of love could be the death of you."

And Toph cursed her foul mouth for repeating those words.

Many days passed, and those days turned to weeks, the weeks to months, and the months to many years. Suki had long since given up on Sokka; he had lost his chance with her. Toph could see, though, that he had still not forgotten her. Like she could not let Sokka go, Sokka could not let Suki go. Toph was a very accomplished woman at the age of thirty. She was commander of the police force in Republic City and headed the world's only metalbending academy. She had put her years to good use, knowing that despairing over her love was useless. For seven years she had watched Sokka's relationship with Suki spark and bloom and grow and fade and die, and for six years after she gave him her best support. She had discovered that the pain of loving him only got worse as the couple became happier. She also discovered that the pain of watching Sokka's heart break was much worse. After the fallout with Suki, the time that they spent together increased drastically; he needed her. It was a relief and a burden at the same time; even now, he was untouchable to her - after eighteen pathetic years, he was still untouchable.

She often wondered what made him so special that she couldn't forget him after this amount of time. He was only Sokka, after all. It seemed, though, that just being Sokka was something more special than she had realized. She was getting old, and was miserable, and tired, and nobody seemed to notice. To be fair, though, she had never really wanted anyone to; she had hidden it well. The longer she kept her feelings inside, the more she wondered if - secretly - she did in fact want someone to notice. No matter; she would never surrender to that desire, were it there at all.

In the middle of one long night, when Aang and Katara were fast asleep and they were all alone, Toph found Sokka to be restless. She didn't know what to do in order to cure him of his discomfort, so she simply sat in silence as he shifted his weight and wandered aimlessly about the house. Could she read, Toph would have picked up a book, rather than being forced to observe his odd behavior. Sokka had recently been - most clearly in these past months - very unhappy, and even a blind woman could see that. She'd dedicated much of her time to picking on Sokka, trying to pull a smile from his lips, and even had offered sentimental words of praise and advice to him, but nothing seemed to pick him up from the hole in which he'd fallen.

"You know what, Toph? Let's get out of here," Sokka said suddenly, ready and waiting at the door. Toph sat up straighter, shedding her lounging position.

"And go where?" she criticized. "It's kind of the middle of the night, Sokka."

"Well, who cares?" Sokka replied, opening the door. Like he knew she would, Toph got up and followed him out. "I just need some air."

Under the darkness of night, they made their way about, slipping quickly through Republic City's darkest alleyways and avoiding any silhouette that looked their way. Soon enough they found the city's edge, and - wondering how far they had come - left the lights behind them, wandering into a thick forest of green trees, black in the night.

"I feel like a kid," Sokka confessed, laughing lightly at the idea. It was true; these were the things that they'd done while they were young. Nostalgia swept over them like a misty wave, enchanting them and bringing them back to a different time. They came along a large clearing, where a small pond made residence. Sokka pulled the leather boots from his feet and sank them in the water. He urged Toph to do the same, but she refused, tucking her feet beneath her thighs and announcing that she had no intention of changing her mind.

"It's been years, you know."

Toph's words seemed to take Sokka by surprise; he stiffened, and then cocked his head to the side as if he had no idea what she was talking about. She could feel the way that his heart raced, though; he knew exactly what she was referring to. Knowing that he was stubborn, though, she clarified.

"You and Suki," she said, more bitterness in her tone than she'd intended. "You broke up years ago, and it's been more than six months since you've seen her at all."

"I know," Sokka sighed. "It's not that I don't want to let go of her; I just - I can't, and I can't move on. Toph, I'm a grown man who's scared of love!"

Toph blew the bangs from her face. "I really don't see what's to be so scared of."

"I've had two girlfriends in my entire life," Sokka went on, holding up two fingers. "One of them died and became the moon, and the other one just left me."

"Really? That's too bad, cuz the only 'one' I've ever had still has no idea that I'm alive," Toph snapped, glaring at him through her milky eyes.

"Really? Who is it?" he asked dumbly, and Toph pushed him over in frustration.

"It's you, stupid!" she exclaimed, and could tell by the way his body faltered that she had somehow managed to remind him of Suki. "I have felt this way for _eighteen_ years, and you _never_ noticed!"

The blind girl stood up and turned away from him, feeling weak for saying anything at all. By speaking up now, she was crushing any chance that she had of ever being with him. It was too late, though.

For fear of Toph hurting him, Sokka remained on the ground. "Toph, I - I-"

"You had no idea?" she interrupted venomously. "You didn't see because you didn't _want_ to see."

"But, Toph, I-"

"Yes, you were with Suki, I know," she groaned as Sokka stood up and reached for her hand. Before he could touch her, though, she grabbed hold of his collar and pulled him down to her level. "Stop making excuses; just give me an answer."

"Toph would you just listen to me?" he plead, and she released him, tossing him aside.

"I've listened to you for years; I need you to listen to me. I've spent so much time _waiting_ for you, crying over you - I know I'm better than that! I need to know so that I can go back to being fearless Toph, and dammit, I need to know _now_, because I swear that if I have to love you any longer you will be the death of me."

Sokka fell silent.

"I don't care what your choice is; just tell me," Toph begged. "But know this, Meathead: this is your only chance. After this, I'm walking back into that city and forgetting that I ever felt this way, and that will be the end of it."

No words were spoken; Sokka stood frozen with his hand half-extended towards her. The only sound to be heard was their heavy breathing, and the only movement to be felt was Sokka's shaking body.

"Toph, I..." Sokka trailed off and let out a conflicted sigh. "I'm sorry."

When he said nothing more, she understood. Having delivered her ultimatum, she slowly backed away, ashamed, and still hopeful that he might stop her. There had been a part of her that truly expected him to love her back; that part of her was constantly betraying.

"Well, alright," she whispered, giving up. Before she could restrain herself, she turned and darted back towards the structured horizon that was Republic City, leaving the warrior alone to face his guilt.

In the weeks that followed, they hardly spoke. Neither Aang nor Katara dared to ask questions of Toph, but she knew that there was a good chance Sokka had blabbed the whole event to them. She had been extremely tired that night, and acted irrationally and immaturely; she knew that, but it was too late. The damage had been done, and now Sokka wouldn't even stay in the same room as her for more than a minute. Fortunately, fate came to rescue her soon after. A message was sent to her from the Earth Kingdom royal palace; the Earth King wanted to discuss a new security system for Ba Sing Se with Republic City's successful chief of police. The job would require months of her time, but would include a prestigious house in the upper ring as well as fully supplied meals - and the opportunity to get away from this place. Toph accepted the offer on the spot.

Compared to her stay during the Hundred Year War, Toph found her time in Ba Sing Se to be quite pleasant. She had the privacy of her own home, a courtyard just behind the house where she could practice earthbending, and most of all, there was no one there to bother her. Yes, she kept mostly to herself, talking only to the Earth King, whose company she found soothing, if not slightly irritating. Most of the Earth Kingdom officials bored her to tears, but the things which they discussed interested her, so she endured it without hesitation. What was meant to be a simple plan for a new line of officers quickly morphed into an elaborate scheme in which the entire security network of Ba Sing Se would be remodeled. It was then that the Earth King asked her to stay, and head Ba Sing Se's police force. The offer caught Toph by surprise; she had planned to stay another month, and told the king that she would give him an answer before her time expired. With that, she bowed and retired to her home. There was so much to think about.

For the first time since she'd arrived in Ba Sing Se, Toph's thoughts wandered back to _him_. Perhaps the prospect of living here permanently was too devastating to the piece of her heart that still - after all this time - belonged to Sokka. Feeling hopeless, she trudged through the narrow hallway towards her bedroom, heavy thoughts weighing on her mind and bringing it to a dark place. Her mother had been right; she should never have allowed this to happen.

_Don't ever fall in love, Toph...he will be the death of you_.

Angry and hurting, Toph let out a desperate scream, throwing her hand against a porcelain vase. The vase fell to the floor and shattered into oblivion, and Toph scowled as she realized as some point she'd have to clean that up.

"What's wrong with me?" she mumbled, shaking her head. She wondered if so many years of useless loving really could ware on a person's brain. It certainly felt that way. Exhausted, Toph crawled into her bed and pulled the covers over her, and although she got up and lived her life as usual, for the next month Toph was fast asleep.

It was during her last week in Ba Sing Se that she found him at her door. She hadn't packed up any of her things because she planned on staying. In fact, she was on her way to tell the Earth King the news when she felt him there. Her breath hitched; it couldn't be. Sure enough, though, he was there, outside her door and beside himself with worry. He must have thought he was being very sneaky, very secretive, but of course she could feel him. For quite some time, she waited, feeling as he paced about, rubbing the back of his neck in distress. A few times she thought of opening the door herself, but decided that if he had something to say he could come to her. Finally, the knock came, and she opened the door (perhaps too eagerly) to greet him. Face to face, Toph realized that she had no idea what to say to him.

"Toph," the warrior nodded nervously. Like the night that she went off on him, he was shaking furiously with fear.

"Sokka," she replied monotonously. "What are you doing here?"

Sokka opened his mouth, and then closed it. Toph put her hands on her hips impatiently, causing a thin layer of sweat to form on Sokka's forehead. She could feel him staring at her - staring into her with his burning eyes. Again, he opened his mouth, but instead of speaking grabbed her with both hands and yanked her towards him, capturing her in his arms. First Toph was surprised, and stood stiff in his grasp. She couldn't help herself, though, when she registered what was happening, from hugging him back.

"I'm an idiot," Sokka admitted in her ear. Toph pulled away from him.

"Hold up; didn't I say that when I walked away from you that was the end?"

Sokka only smiled. "Like I needed earthbending powers to know that was a lie."

But had it been a lie? She meant it at the time, she really did. Here she was, though, in the Earth Kingdom capitol all alone, following through on her word to him - and she still wasn't happy. This time, Toph decided not to let her pride get in the way. Like she had done on that night over two months ago, she grabbed the warrior by his collar and pulled him to her level. This time, though, she didn't yell at him, she kissed him. After eighteen years of envy and effort, she was finally rewarded. Was it worth it? Completely. As she kissed him, wrapped tight in his arms, she thought that if she ever loved him any more than she did right now, it just might be the death of her.

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**Ah, so yeah, after all that we had a happy ending (: Normally I probably wouldn't have ended it this way, but this was for the fans on the Zutara facebook page who wanted a Tokka fanfic (hi, guys!), so of course I had to satisfy (: I hope you all enjoyed it. Shoot me a review or a PM giving me your opinions.**

**Thanks!  
xoxo ZuEra**


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